what should i do more?

What should I do more?
I always ask myself why am I so dumb and the worst student in my class. Why? Yes, I’m so badly depressed right now because of my study. Why all my marks are decreasing in every test? I’m tired. Why my friends who watch anime almost every night can score better than me? Why? Should I watch anime too? I will not feel as bad as now if I didn’t study. Unfortunately, I did study and do all the works. I woke up early everyday even though my class start at 1.30 p.m. so, I can do my revision in library. I spent lots of time to write again all the notes at night. I feel like all my efforts are useless!

I don’t know what else to do with my performance. Every test is a depression injection for me and I really want to find the cure. I’m afraid if my performance is keep dropping, I will get bored with this whole thing which I don’t want. I cried almost every day recently. In my heart and sometime I cried at the roof top where I can be alone. Now, I’m still at the same place writing this post. Crying and crying. My tears are the one who’re typing this post not my fingers.
Every time I want to move on and keep fighting, there must be something that goes against it. Why I can’t get a 100% mark like them? Why am I so stupid??!!!I feel like killing myself now but that’s not the best solution.

My friends are much much better than me. If not the best in Physics, she’s the best in English and if he’s not the best in Chemistry, he’s the best in Applicable Mathematics. What about me? NONE! To those my friends, who got high marks, please don’t ever say that you are bad because you just made me feel even worse. I’m sorry because I feel this way. It’s not your fault and don’t feel bad about it.

I don’t how long I can get through this. I feel so bad towards my parents. They’re hoping the best from me and I’m just so stupid and can’t fulfil the only thing that they want.
I AM SO DEPRESSED!!!
Sorry, Mr Derick because you have to read about another depression.

p/s:
Kill me.please.

~my lover~

my life is all about you,

my day is all about you,

not even a second,

I want to erase that smile

Never..

you are everything to me..

everytime I hurt you, it kills me..

everytime those tears drop

because of me,

it makes me a wilt flower,

waiting for its time to kiss the earth.

please, don't cry..

God,

Please give them the best in everything,

I don't want to paint sorrow of

your life, my love..

how I wish I can paint rainbow

for you

every second,every minute, every hour of your life..

promise,swear

it's the only hope I can give

please don't lose faith in me..

my love to you is the most sincere thing in my life..

my care to you is the biggest thing I can give..

I want to give yo everything,

Mak...Abah...

I love you..

In my life, besides friends, my parents are my best friends. I don't have sisters to play with or brothers to wrestle with. I only have them. My parents. They always there for me when I need them. When I knew that I hurt them, I cried because I made them cried which I never wanted it to happen. I'm sorry for being such a bad daughter.I'm sorry for not giving what you want.I'm such a bad daughter.

They had sacrificed a lot for me, and this is the time for me to lessen their burden. Even though this journey is still long and tiring, I have to face it with courage. Everytime I depressed, I cried and cried at the balcony so that I would released all the pain for them. I can't be weak now. Not until I can achieved what I want for my parents. They are my lovers. No man can replace them.I love both of you..eternity..

p/s

I LOVE YOU

~Figurative Futsal~

The birds flew away as the gloomy sky chased them from its land. The sun annoyed because the bright flames of its heart had been dominated by the moisture of the wind. It was a war that morning. No one dare to go out and enjoy their life except the one who really appreciate such blessing. The trees and the earth were not only jumping joyfully but it was like a feast for them, not a war. The blood of strength flowed through their veins, gave a new meaning of life to them and the babies were crawling out from the dark, cold hole to breathe in this world. From the window, I watched it as a melancholy drama in this box of thinking. Everyone kept blaming the poor sky for what happened because they could not see the tears dropped from its eyes. The sky was crying because we are destroying this land. Every tear is the cry for help from the nature.

There goes my figurative language for the nature.

____________________________________________________________________
WAIT!!

THERE'S MORE!!

Mr Derick, I feel like writing more this week. So, I think I’m going to write about our class activity last Friday night.

It’s all started in Pizza Hut. We were having our dinner there when Izzat came and told us that we can’t play bowling that night. All lanes had been booked by TV3!! So, he said why not we play futsal instead? Are you serious?? That’s my dream! Actually he was joking at the first place and never thought that we would want to play such sport. Can you imagine a girl who always wear high heels in class ( Hani and Nad) is kicking the ball? Can you imagine a small, cute girl ( Jihah) kicked a ball like Torres? Can you imagine a girl who always with her high marks ( Tira) as the goalkeeper? Can you imagine a quiet and whose name is always pop up from the name list (Mia) tackling the ball from a boy?? Can you imagine a girl who always with Twilights and pink stuffs ( me! ) fell 3 times and still laughing?? Imagine them and they are not just imaginations. They were, and will once again be a reality. Believe it guys. We are not that girly as you think. Kick it!

My advice is for girls who always afraid to show the other side of you, don’t be. There’s nothing to lose. Just enjoy your life and be who you are in everything.

p/s: my toe and feet still hurt..

THE WORST WEEK

The worst week ever! I never felt as depressed, discontented and tired as this week before. The test is a second, third or fourth problem. There was a thing that stabbed me straight into my mind and killed me! I think I’m going to be a bit emotional in this post, but I don’t care as long as I can feel a bit satisfaction in this week by letting all my sorrow to fade away.

The story began on last Thursday. ‘Thanks a lot’ Mr Thursday. We had our Applicable Mathematics test on that day and speech as well. I felt like two lorries were on my head that day. I did try to calm down during the test but once again I want to ‘thank’ to my ‘beloved’ calculator for dying when I was just answering the third question!

Titt! Titt!
Warning: Low battery!

Thank God it didn’t lower my heart beats too. No, it’s even worst! It’s beating with the maximum frequency until I can’t breathe! Breathe in. Breathe out. I closed my eyes and try to calm down. I can do this! (I was just saying it to comfort myself during the tense moment) So, I pressed the ‘OFF’ button with the hope that it will be a last fighter too. I blanked! I didn’t know how to answer the following questions. Oh my goodness. What should I do? I felt like crying. I never thought that this will happened to me and the test was really an important thing for me. I can’t afford to fail. I was so sad because my days doing all the works and revisions were not helping me when this kind of problem occurred. I was still in the shocked mood even though the test had end.

Then, here comes the Chemistry reports. They gave me a headache! They are harder than doing the experiments in the lab. We had no idea on how are we supposed to present graphs. I mean, whether it’s a curve or not. From theories, they suppose to be straight line graphs but they end up being crazy graphs. As the result, I just followed the points and there. I got a curve graph for one of the graphs. It looked better that the previous one which was so horrible.

Here comes the holiday! Finally. Thank God. I can relax a bit and I can’t wait to see my babies!!

Till then, thank you!
=)

The Architecture Spirit And Bowling For Columbine And The Paradox of Thrift

THE ARCHITECTURE SPIRIT

Come on future architects,
Hold your knuckles, touch others ( future architects only!) and say ‘hai’( like what Hiro will pronounce it if he wants to agree on something).
Yes, it’s ‘the architecture spirit’ what me and my friends called it and we will do it when we feel tired and stress with our studies ( AUSMAT to be specific). Maybe some might say, ‘ What the heck?’ or it means nothing and does not affect their emotions. Lucky for us, we found that this kind of ‘activity’ does HELP us. So, every morning or before we start the class we’ll do it to make us fresh and eager to study. There were days when we felt so tired and didn’t have the mood to study.

“uh”, “ah”, “haiyaaa” ,“die la”

Those were the only words that we kept repeating over and over.

Suddenly, my friend ( Athira) said, “ Hei, no wonder we felt really weak and bored because we didn’t do the ‘spirit’ thing!”

So, “HAI!’ we go.

BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE

We are going to do a review on a FANTASTIC, DA BOOM documentary; Bowling for Columbine. I never felt so in touch with any documentary before but I do with this documentary. It’s mostly questioning about the gun shooting issues in the USA among students. The main focus is on the Columbine massacre. I did some researches on the two boys, Eric and Dylan, who committed the crime. The killed 12 students and 1 teacher and before they killed some of the victims, from what I found on the net, they asked them whether they believed in God. The policed Now, every time I heard their names, I will feel sick and thank god they are dead because I will kill them ( no way..It’s just an exaggeration) if they are still alive! At first I thought that this kind of massacre only happened in the USA but it’s also happened in AUSTRALIA in 1996! Now, I’m scared to go to Aussie. Thanks to the ROLE OF MEDIA, it creates FEAR in me.
I’ve been thinking what if there is Bowling for KBU?? With all the tensions and pressure, pressure, pressure, suddenly one of the AUSMAT’S students shoots everyone in the cafe and library?? Oh! I don’t think that he will do the gun shooting in library because he’ll be freezing while killing people in there. What am I talking here? I’m not giving anyone the idea of doing any massacre, am I?
So, don’t pressure yourself too much. Go shopping!

THE PARADOX OF THRIFT

This is the best part. I’m not going to write about any paradox as what we study in English, ok? Here goes the application of economics in my daily life. Engineers, grab an Economics book now! Well, as we all know, our level economics activity is now in the downswing (‘thanks’ to the Land of ‘DREAMS’), so as what the paradox of thrift suggested, we have to shop to help the economy. GOOOOODDD.. Hence, the last Thursday my friends and I went to IKEA to shop! They are having SALE now so we cannot resist it and eventually more of our friends went to there now (they are in IKEA now when I’m writing my post). We are very influential and I think IKEA should take us as their product speakers. How much will they pay? Hmm..money! =D Now I sound like a materialistic girl.

That’s it for this week. I have speech to complete!
Bye!

questionsssss...

This week I want to talk about the world. To me this a simple piece of idea that I have but it do means a lot to some people, I hope. To give opinion, is not an easy thing to do and I don’t usually like to express it. Tragedy after tragedy has opened my eyes and I WANT TO SPEAK. I cannot just sit back and see the whole bad things going on nowadays in this beautiful world that God had create for us.

One question that I want to have the answer.

Why don’t we just keep the world as it is?

People are not satisfied with what they have. Power. Wealthy. Blind the politicians and cause pain to the whole world. They don’t think about the others as what they should be doing. The citizens chose them because of the trust that they have towards the politicians. Why would they want to bomb other country if they already a rich country? Why would they want to colonize a country that doesn’t even belong to them? What do they get from the war? Dignity?

The answer is simple.

Suffer and anger.

They would create a new generation that will only know about destruction and revenge. Have you ever imagine a little boy holding a gun to protect his little baby sister? How sad would it be if the boy ends up to be dead in such a young age when he can play and study for his future. If he is still alive, the only goal of his life is to have peace and revenge for the death of his family and community. The war is not only destroying the country but the whole world.

There will be no more a bright and cheerful kids in this world when everyday what they see are guns and bombs. Their Barbies are the bullets and their PlayStations are the riffles.

The war is not only affecting the people who are being attacked but us. We experienced the effects now. The economics is fluctuating and inflation is getting higher. Don’t we realise that? This problem will not last for two days or two weeks but for years if the world is still a fan of war. Politicians have to think about this deeply and not just being selfish. Don’t blame and accuse innocent people if the problem is actually caused by you. Would you be happy if you, yourselves are having the difficulty to move and have a good sleep in your own home and motherland?

Peace is the only simple thing that they are asking for. Just leave their country and let them carry on with their lives. What if the whole tragedies happened to be in the US or other European countries? Do they feel happy about it? Oh yes, my son holding a gun and my dad is dead. Yipee! No,right? So, stop the war and give them peace. Stop the bombing and shooting. Paint back the dreams of the kids and give sun to the people for them to survive.
Lots of questions that I have thrown in this post. I ‘m not seeking for the answers but the actions.

Please save the world before it gets angry.

Thank you..

sorry week

Second month. February. The clock is still moving. Wait! Stop!

Haih..I was having a bad week for the last 5 days.. Before I start begging for sympathy, I would like to tell about a happy and inspiring experience that I had.
Last Saturday, I met some of my seniors who had their flights to Adelaide in KLIA. I went there at 5.30 when they were actually departure at 8.00 pm! I spent hours and hours lingered in that astonishing building. What I saw there were the faces of satisfaction and it’s not happy because after a year struggled in AUSMAT, they finally achieved their goal. They are such great seniors and very helpful in terms of giving us advise and supports as brothers and sisters. Good luck and all the best to all of you in Aussie. I always pray for the best for you guys and miss you so much. Be strong, Kak Aween(thanks for all your help), Kak Pika(take care, cute sis), Abg Afifi( thanks for your support), Abg Luqman( thanks for the books) and Haf( study until you die,bro!)

So, the suffer part begun when I fall sick on Tuesday. I had a bad fever until I cannot concentrate on my assignments and experiments. I almost burnt the Chemistry lab! Sorry Miss Prema.. Thank God nothing broke, or else I’m the one who will ‘break’ at the end. That’s not the end of my bad week. During my Applicable Mathematics class, I cannot solve any question. For Goa sake, even the simple transformation I could not remember! My brain had Z-E-R-O function and useless when I was sick. Moral of the stories, don’t get sick.

Today, I had my EALD test and I made a BIG mistake. I forgot the title of the film that I reviewed. How can I forget about it?? It’s on the cover, Izzati. My brain was really screwed up and I need to fix it. Sorry, Mr Derick. Don’t be mad, because I also want to kill my brain. So, it has suffered enough. That test was really pressuring me and friends. It’s all because of the 10% ! It’s a lot..

Well, the sick case is not end with me. Almost all my housemates are going through it right now. Sorry, friends. This is the third time I said sorry in this post. So, please forgive me,ya? My housemates and friends are totally true friends. They helped me in everything. I’m so touched. This make me love them even deeper. Thank you, my friends.

This last paragraph, I would like to dedicate to my cats. Ok, no more the bad week. Actually, I miss them so much and want to hug them now. They are my siblings, my lover and my life. They complete my life all this years. When they sick, I fed them. When I sick, they accompanied and licked me to show their care. Their eyes are full of honesty and they can never make me mad at them even though they are so naughty.

I have to log out, because more homework is still waiting.
Till next time..