what should i do more?

What should I do more?
I always ask myself why am I so dumb and the worst student in my class. Why? Yes, I’m so badly depressed right now because of my study. Why all my marks are decreasing in every test? I’m tired. Why my friends who watch anime almost every night can score better than me? Why? Should I watch anime too? I will not feel as bad as now if I didn’t study. Unfortunately, I did study and do all the works. I woke up early everyday even though my class start at 1.30 p.m. so, I can do my revision in library. I spent lots of time to write again all the notes at night. I feel like all my efforts are useless!

I don’t know what else to do with my performance. Every test is a depression injection for me and I really want to find the cure. I’m afraid if my performance is keep dropping, I will get bored with this whole thing which I don’t want. I cried almost every day recently. In my heart and sometime I cried at the roof top where I can be alone. Now, I’m still at the same place writing this post. Crying and crying. My tears are the one who’re typing this post not my fingers.
Every time I want to move on and keep fighting, there must be something that goes against it. Why I can’t get a 100% mark like them? Why am I so stupid??!!!I feel like killing myself now but that’s not the best solution.

My friends are much much better than me. If not the best in Physics, she’s the best in English and if he’s not the best in Chemistry, he’s the best in Applicable Mathematics. What about me? NONE! To those my friends, who got high marks, please don’t ever say that you are bad because you just made me feel even worse. I’m sorry because I feel this way. It’s not your fault and don’t feel bad about it.

I don’t how long I can get through this. I feel so bad towards my parents. They’re hoping the best from me and I’m just so stupid and can’t fulfil the only thing that they want.
I AM SO DEPRESSED!!!
Sorry, Mr Derick because you have to read about another depression.

p/s:
Kill me.please.

~my lover~

my life is all about you,

my day is all about you,

not even a second,

I want to erase that smile

Never..

you are everything to me..

everytime I hurt you, it kills me..

everytime those tears drop

because of me,

it makes me a wilt flower,

waiting for its time to kiss the earth.

please, don't cry..

God,

Please give them the best in everything,

I don't want to paint sorrow of

your life, my love..

how I wish I can paint rainbow

for you

every second,every minute, every hour of your life..

promise,swear

it's the only hope I can give

please don't lose faith in me..

my love to you is the most sincere thing in my life..

my care to you is the biggest thing I can give..

I want to give yo everything,

Mak...Abah...

I love you..

In my life, besides friends, my parents are my best friends. I don't have sisters to play with or brothers to wrestle with. I only have them. My parents. They always there for me when I need them. When I knew that I hurt them, I cried because I made them cried which I never wanted it to happen. I'm sorry for being such a bad daughter.I'm sorry for not giving what you want.I'm such a bad daughter.

They had sacrificed a lot for me, and this is the time for me to lessen their burden. Even though this journey is still long and tiring, I have to face it with courage. Everytime I depressed, I cried and cried at the balcony so that I would released all the pain for them. I can't be weak now. Not until I can achieved what I want for my parents. They are my lovers. No man can replace them.I love both of you..eternity..

p/s

I LOVE YOU

~Figurative Futsal~

The birds flew away as the gloomy sky chased them from its land. The sun annoyed because the bright flames of its heart had been dominated by the moisture of the wind. It was a war that morning. No one dare to go out and enjoy their life except the one who really appreciate such blessing. The trees and the earth were not only jumping joyfully but it was like a feast for them, not a war. The blood of strength flowed through their veins, gave a new meaning of life to them and the babies were crawling out from the dark, cold hole to breathe in this world. From the window, I watched it as a melancholy drama in this box of thinking. Everyone kept blaming the poor sky for what happened because they could not see the tears dropped from its eyes. The sky was crying because we are destroying this land. Every tear is the cry for help from the nature.

There goes my figurative language for the nature.

____________________________________________________________________
WAIT!!

THERE'S MORE!!

Mr Derick, I feel like writing more this week. So, I think I’m going to write about our class activity last Friday night.

It’s all started in Pizza Hut. We were having our dinner there when Izzat came and told us that we can’t play bowling that night. All lanes had been booked by TV3!! So, he said why not we play futsal instead? Are you serious?? That’s my dream! Actually he was joking at the first place and never thought that we would want to play such sport. Can you imagine a girl who always wear high heels in class ( Hani and Nad) is kicking the ball? Can you imagine a small, cute girl ( Jihah) kicked a ball like Torres? Can you imagine a girl who always with her high marks ( Tira) as the goalkeeper? Can you imagine a quiet and whose name is always pop up from the name list (Mia) tackling the ball from a boy?? Can you imagine a girl who always with Twilights and pink stuffs ( me! ) fell 3 times and still laughing?? Imagine them and they are not just imaginations. They were, and will once again be a reality. Believe it guys. We are not that girly as you think. Kick it!

My advice is for girls who always afraid to show the other side of you, don’t be. There’s nothing to lose. Just enjoy your life and be who you are in everything.

p/s: my toe and feet still hurt..

THE WORST WEEK

The worst week ever! I never felt as depressed, discontented and tired as this week before. The test is a second, third or fourth problem. There was a thing that stabbed me straight into my mind and killed me! I think I’m going to be a bit emotional in this post, but I don’t care as long as I can feel a bit satisfaction in this week by letting all my sorrow to fade away.

The story began on last Thursday. ‘Thanks a lot’ Mr Thursday. We had our Applicable Mathematics test on that day and speech as well. I felt like two lorries were on my head that day. I did try to calm down during the test but once again I want to ‘thank’ to my ‘beloved’ calculator for dying when I was just answering the third question!

Titt! Titt!
Warning: Low battery!

Thank God it didn’t lower my heart beats too. No, it’s even worst! It’s beating with the maximum frequency until I can’t breathe! Breathe in. Breathe out. I closed my eyes and try to calm down. I can do this! (I was just saying it to comfort myself during the tense moment) So, I pressed the ‘OFF’ button with the hope that it will be a last fighter too. I blanked! I didn’t know how to answer the following questions. Oh my goodness. What should I do? I felt like crying. I never thought that this will happened to me and the test was really an important thing for me. I can’t afford to fail. I was so sad because my days doing all the works and revisions were not helping me when this kind of problem occurred. I was still in the shocked mood even though the test had end.

Then, here comes the Chemistry reports. They gave me a headache! They are harder than doing the experiments in the lab. We had no idea on how are we supposed to present graphs. I mean, whether it’s a curve or not. From theories, they suppose to be straight line graphs but they end up being crazy graphs. As the result, I just followed the points and there. I got a curve graph for one of the graphs. It looked better that the previous one which was so horrible.

Here comes the holiday! Finally. Thank God. I can relax a bit and I can’t wait to see my babies!!

Till then, thank you!
=)